Women are programmed to be OBSESSED with men in a way that men are not. How many men sat under the table and did that ridiculous grape-eating thing for new years? I think the fact that good men are becoming increasingly scarce—especially in a world where the internet is perpetuating and even worsening violent misogynistic rhetoric—only makes women more obsessed with the idea of finding a "good" one.
Perfectly worded. I didn’t realize how the scarcity of good men was increasing the obsession. Rituals like the grape eating really go to show how deep the obsession runs.
Do you have any tips to stop thinking like this? Your piece really inspired me but now I kinda feel hopeless about how to fix this programming that has been ingrained into my very being.
I completely agree that it’s deeply unhealthy to be on constant high alert in anticipation of “the one”. But I don’t think the concept of “the one” is wholly patriarchal/oppressive/misogynistic. Now I’m coming from the perspective of a practicing Muslim who has entered herself into Muslim communities in the last 3 or so years, but from where I’m standing, I’ve seen men also be riddled with this anticipation for “the one”. And even in secular spaces, you could take the movie “500 Days of Summer” as an example of how this can also plague men. And I don’t think it necessarily has to be tied to an image of housewifery. I know women that are obsessed with the idea of finding their future partner who see themselves doing so as professional working women. I think the propaganda of womanhood and happiness = housewifery and submission to a man can be disentangled from obsessing over “the one”. I think the issue of chasing a person who may or may not be out there for you falls under the umbrella of the need for more in general. I think it’s akin to people who chase climbing the corporate ladder for some dream job that might never pan out or even be that dreamy, or those who chase some sort of beauty standard. It’s this narrative that there is a perfect romanticized version of some aspect of your life that you need to find. And yes, I think there’s a narrative where this is entangled with oppressive patriarchal propaganda, but I don’t think it’s inherently so. I think perhaps that’s just an overlapping of issues.
i agree, and stories like pride and prejudice (referencing the post's photo) seem really appealing to women because patriarchy exists, and it's a burden. if you're a straight woman, you can't help it, but you're also overwhelmed by how poorly the world treats women. the appeal of pride and prejudice is that darcy listens to elizabeth when she points out his vices, and he sheds his classist views that he had earlier for the sake of becoming better. no one in his social circle had the heart to point it out because they admired him and sought his advice, so darcy was grateful that elizabeth made him aware of his flaws.
(i'm not muslim, but i noticed what you said about muslim men happens in christian spaces, too.)
And at the end of it all, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with wanting a Mr. Darcy. It’s about being realistic and patient, not obsessive and impulsive. Like with anything that a person may want from this world.
I think modern spirituality has really made the idea of “the one” more obsessive too. Go on YT and love tarot readings are everywhere. It’s becoming increasingly easy for people to cling to delusion rather than face reality. I’m certainly guilty. Realizing the truth of the world and men and taking off those rose-colored glasses has been brutal. But as I do the work I have seriously come to realize my desires for love, marriage, and a relationship has all been conditioned and I don’t actually want any of those things.
The notebook has never sat right with me and I’ve always had confused glares when I say this. you’re so right. It’s the idea that love is the thing that is most important. That there’s OnE mAN out there for you. That’s why, in terms of popular films, La La land is a lot better in its ending- you can believe some form of traditional love exists but that it is not the persons sole purpose. I still love 500 days of summer (despite the fact that she ends up finding love elsewhere), but for its initial scenes where Summer is perceived to be broken or cold hearted because she doesn’t believe in love- it was so refreshing to see a woman having those opinions in a mainstream movie. *Ahhhh the patriarchy.*
I told my mother, "You can't have possibly had me so I could be like you. You must have wished greater for me, and I can assure you that it is not in the shadow of a man."
I woke up from my dream, and she was still scolding me for not introducing a man at home at 25.
Your wonderful post reminded me how difficult, defiant yet significant it is to elect to choose yourself in the face of a society that is committed to defining you as a rib, never whole, on your own.
Women are programmed to be OBSESSED with men in a way that men are not. How many men sat under the table and did that ridiculous grape-eating thing for new years? I think the fact that good men are becoming increasingly scarce—especially in a world where the internet is perpetuating and even worsening violent misogynistic rhetoric—only makes women more obsessed with the idea of finding a "good" one.
Perfectly worded. I didn’t realize how the scarcity of good men was increasing the obsession. Rituals like the grape eating really go to show how deep the obsession runs.
Yes, so it becomes an achievement to "show off" the "amazing" guy you somehow found (who usually ends up not being amazing).
in my culture you get 12 grapes (one per month) to make a wish, so to think people are wasting 12 wishes on a man is insane
We do lentils! :) yeah somehow these traditions have been hijacked online to only be about finding men to date
Perfectly stated. It's so hard when you're indoctrinated from birth, but we HAVE to undo this programming if we are to be free
Absolutely! I hope more of us become willing to do the work.
Do you have any tips to stop thinking like this? Your piece really inspired me but now I kinda feel hopeless about how to fix this programming that has been ingrained into my very being.
I completely agree that it’s deeply unhealthy to be on constant high alert in anticipation of “the one”. But I don’t think the concept of “the one” is wholly patriarchal/oppressive/misogynistic. Now I’m coming from the perspective of a practicing Muslim who has entered herself into Muslim communities in the last 3 or so years, but from where I’m standing, I’ve seen men also be riddled with this anticipation for “the one”. And even in secular spaces, you could take the movie “500 Days of Summer” as an example of how this can also plague men. And I don’t think it necessarily has to be tied to an image of housewifery. I know women that are obsessed with the idea of finding their future partner who see themselves doing so as professional working women. I think the propaganda of womanhood and happiness = housewifery and submission to a man can be disentangled from obsessing over “the one”. I think the issue of chasing a person who may or may not be out there for you falls under the umbrella of the need for more in general. I think it’s akin to people who chase climbing the corporate ladder for some dream job that might never pan out or even be that dreamy, or those who chase some sort of beauty standard. It’s this narrative that there is a perfect romanticized version of some aspect of your life that you need to find. And yes, I think there’s a narrative where this is entangled with oppressive patriarchal propaganda, but I don’t think it’s inherently so. I think perhaps that’s just an overlapping of issues.
i agree, and stories like pride and prejudice (referencing the post's photo) seem really appealing to women because patriarchy exists, and it's a burden. if you're a straight woman, you can't help it, but you're also overwhelmed by how poorly the world treats women. the appeal of pride and prejudice is that darcy listens to elizabeth when she points out his vices, and he sheds his classist views that he had earlier for the sake of becoming better. no one in his social circle had the heart to point it out because they admired him and sought his advice, so darcy was grateful that elizabeth made him aware of his flaws.
(i'm not muslim, but i noticed what you said about muslim men happens in christian spaces, too.)
And at the end of it all, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with wanting a Mr. Darcy. It’s about being realistic and patient, not obsessive and impulsive. Like with anything that a person may want from this world.
I want to frame this. 💕
Yes ^
As a child I was sold a lie that my life would begin when I fell in love with a man. A woman’s life really begins when she falls in love with herself.
I think modern spirituality has really made the idea of “the one” more obsessive too. Go on YT and love tarot readings are everywhere. It’s becoming increasingly easy for people to cling to delusion rather than face reality. I’m certainly guilty. Realizing the truth of the world and men and taking off those rose-colored glasses has been brutal. But as I do the work I have seriously come to realize my desires for love, marriage, and a relationship has all been conditioned and I don’t actually want any of those things.
How do i send this to someone without sending this to someone😂
Send it...with a note about how eye-opening and inspiring it was to you and just you so she feels like it's not about her... :)
Good advice haha!
right in the gut 😭😭😭
🫶🏾🫶🏾thank you!
'Where does a man see himself? Nowhere, probably.' Wow, I never noticed. This shifted my entire view.
Whew! Same 🤯
Yes yes and yes. A read worth pondering and letting it bring up all the things to the surface.
Thank you!
"It’s just as fun and sexy to be single and pursuing your goals as it is to be in love." THANK YOU for this! <3
FUCKING PREACH
loved this wow!!!
Thank you!
👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
The notebook has never sat right with me and I’ve always had confused glares when I say this. you’re so right. It’s the idea that love is the thing that is most important. That there’s OnE mAN out there for you. That’s why, in terms of popular films, La La land is a lot better in its ending- you can believe some form of traditional love exists but that it is not the persons sole purpose. I still love 500 days of summer (despite the fact that she ends up finding love elsewhere), but for its initial scenes where Summer is perceived to be broken or cold hearted because she doesn’t believe in love- it was so refreshing to see a woman having those opinions in a mainstream movie. *Ahhhh the patriarchy.*
“Romantic stories work to encourage women to accept their subjugation by romanticizing it.” THIS!
I told my mother, "You can't have possibly had me so I could be like you. You must have wished greater for me, and I can assure you that it is not in the shadow of a man."
I woke up from my dream, and she was still scolding me for not introducing a man at home at 25.
Your wonderful post reminded me how difficult, defiant yet significant it is to elect to choose yourself in the face of a society that is committed to defining you as a rib, never whole, on your own.