Oh sweetie, what’s wrong? You’ve barely touched your hot girl years.

There is no perfect age to be a woman.

When I turned 20 earlier this year I thought that it was probably time I started watching all of those “I’m 30, here’s the advice I have for people in their 20’s” videos. The internet is rife with them, I’d assume it’d take me until I’m 30 to get through them all.

The idea that your 20s are your golden years is an unquestionable tenant of our society. 20 somethings are told that these are the years they’re meant to explore the world, make mistakes and try new things. Your 20s are a relatively low-risk period, perfect for having fun before the job in your big-girl career starts.

For women, your 20s are seen not just as a time to have fun but a time to enjoy the fruits of being hot. It’s the time when you have summer flings, date older men and bask in the attention of being the hottest girl in the shortest skirt at the nightclub. Women in their 20s seem to be mens preferred sex objects. We’re taught that is somehow flattering, so we should enjoy this time of being objectified and lusted after.

I started having anxiety around ageing from as young as 14-years-old. Somewhere within myself I knew that I was sitting on a depleting resource. I knew that my beauty and youthfulness was a treasure I would not get back. I swore to myself that I’d live out these young and beautiful years to the fullest extent.

As I got older the desire to be a young and effortlessly gorgeous girl lessened. I found out how miserable it is to be the object of male desire. I realized that presenting yourself to men and hoping for their approval was not only meaningless, it was exhausting. I thought my young and hot years would be the ones I’d joyfully reflect on when I’m old, but I was spending them feeling entirely empty.

Still, “good years” are a very real concept for women. Yes, your 20s are a perfect time for exploration and excitement, but what makes this time an oasis for women is why. Why does life stop at 30? Statistically, your 30s will feature marriage and kids. You can’t be dropping everything to spend a summer in Europe when you’re breastfeeding and have a toy room to tidy up.

“Living your best life” before marriage and motherhood in your 30’s is more applicable to women because women do most of the domestic labor. Women take care of their homes, husbands and kids. Women pack school lunches, blow runny noses and plan birthday parties. “Settling down” in your 30s is much more real for women. Once they have a husband and children there is little time left for themselves.

Women are given such an unfair binary. When we’re young, unmarried and childless, we’re the least burdened with responsibility that we’ll ever be but we’re also the most sexualized, we’re navigating the pressure of being the object of male desire for the first time. When we are middle aged we’re enveloped in the monotonous labor of tending to a household. When we’re old we’re put aside, no longer beautiful.

For that, I’d argue that the “golden years” for women don't really exist. In each decade there is a new object to conform to but none take the shape of ourselves. I think the best years of a woman's life are the ones where she stops trying to fit into whatever the social norm for women is. The hottest years are when you no longer care about who you’re supposed to be at all.