Also just wanna add that some kids don’t even find porn they are put on to it . I remember when I was 7 my brother’s friend at that time I had made me watch porn I had no idea it was that. And when my brother saw what I had been watching he scolded me instead of his friend I was so confused and lost it was crazy for me. I hate that person who did that to me it and I can’t imagine all the people who have had a similar experience to me and then on top of that being sexually assaulted by my dads friend the next year and still not quiet knowing what was happening.
I’m sorry that happened to you! I wanted to add, Solano, that you were victimized 3 times - by your brother’s friend, by your brother, and by your Dad’s friend.
Sometimes men blame everything on the woman when you were not to blame for any of it. And then if you count the porn itself, that’s four times of being blamed for men’s behavior.
And even if we know we are not to blame intellectually, parts of our bodies can still feel at fault because women have been encouraged to feel guilty about all things sexual while men accept no blame. This can be a deeply ingrained guilt.
It took me decades to heal the guilt I felt inside about the way men treated me and the way I let them treat me. I hope you can be kinder to yourself than I was. Please cherish yourself and your precious sexuality. Know that you deserve better. I promise you deserve to feel free of the judgement of those around you.
THIS 👏👏 especially for young men. it is all too easy these days on platforms like Instagram and tiktok to be algorithmically accosted by sexual content. not to mention the twisted ways its used as a coming of age ritual, often times by older friends and relatives. as if turning on a male child to porn is a necessary and normal part of his development, and not grooming.
Porn is Terrorism at this point: the mass effects on the population are so widespread and inescapable: fear, anger, humiliation, regret, embarrassment, shame, insecurity, disillusionment, worried parents, anxious teens, lonely wives; the violence visited on women and girls behind closed doors; the deluge of content it gives pedos to hide behind; incels spitting hate online; sextortion, revenge, the jealousy-inducing content; the public undermining of everything sacred; the addiction of the hopelessly predisposed (autistic boys? Does anyone give a shit what we did to these poor boys?) the lie it puts to the veneer of civilization on display for impressionable minds; the way sex jokes used to be funny and now they're not because the whole vibe changed; the lies it tells women about what men want,and to men about what women want; the horrendous impact on the language; how it empowers the cruel and violent while it frightens the decent and naive; the ability for any fool to shove it my face at the drop of a hat (many cases); the way first dates, first kisses and first crushes are impacted; the relationships that will never happen or were damaged. All in a sexual way at a vulnerable stage in life (young, lonely, just broke up, etc.) It is such a particular kind of hurt to be damaged sexually. I am completely baffled at our "it was inevitable" attitude. I’m stunned. Look at all the regulations in the country, but anything sexual gets a free pass. Violence, cruelty, disrespect: it's bad, unless of course it’s sexual, then it must be assumed to be consensual. Because wE cAnT jUdGe AnYoNeS sEx LiFe. PoRn iS FiNe As LoNg aS nO oNe GeTs HuRt. Uh..ok. I know, I’m so passe and old fashioned. Silly me. Imagine, passing regulations to prevent predators from terrorizing society; somehow that’s inconceivable. There is no porn on Youtube (ta-da!) and it was taken for granted for a thousand years that this type of thing would be unimaginable to foist on young men because we don't need any help treating women like shit. I am mystified at the cavalier “Im on the fence about it” attitude and NEARLY TOTAL MEDIA BLACKOUT (why's that? hmmm) of its connection to misogyny, mass shootings, loneliness, Gisele Picolt, the grooming gangs, teen depression and anxiety, suicide etc. Half of Substack still justifying and minimizing this full time while claiming free speech is impeded if I cant send you a dick pick. WTF is everyone stupid? Yes, everyone is being very stupid. A personal thank you to anyone that bothers to read this and SAYS SOMETHING. Goodnight internet. Darn, I tried not to say it. Sorry KD but it helps me not to freak the fuck out. Have a great night dear imaginary person who cares to demand common sense regulation. Time for political action!
If you grew up and saw men in the pre-internet world you'd agree. There are men pre-porn and men post-porn. It is so gross. It has dramatically increased all kinds of crimes, including pedophelia. To suggest it simply shows what men are into without influencing it is insane. It is so filled with spite towards heterosexual men, who respond by seeking out increasingly spiteful degradations of women. And girls! How have we accepted 13 year old boys accessing pornhub? Beyond insane. It is sexual abuse of those boys, and hurt people hurt people. It's a no-brainer to age-gate it, but we couldnt and now here we are.
Age verification is the LEAST we could do (even just to enforce laws already on the books about that type of material in physical magazines and videos) and people are even putting up a fuss about that. It's upside-down world.
I understand what you are saying and i do agree with it. I do want to just add something.
the part i am a little conflicted on is this idea of:
"The sexual acts that we normalize can not be based on what individual people like, but instead what is best for society. Women do not deserve violence during sex. Hurting them, regardless of if they want it, is wrong."
This seems like such a hard thing to define. The most 'gentle' sexual touch constitutes hurt if it wasn't consented to, so that ‘soft touch,’ is just as violent as a slapping, hitting, choking. All non-consensual, all violent. What defines something as hurtful is the person receiving the action and how they feel about it. The idea you are proposing also dismisses women's desire as something that can't be trusted because they've been socialized under patriarchy. I understand, but my question is where does that leave women's desire? What does 'violent' versus 'nonviolent' sex look like? A little too rough? a little too kinky? Who makes that call? Not the women having that sex?
Anyway, I agree that video pornography in a capitalistic society is always exploitative. Money does not constitute real consent, but this idea of 'regardless if they want is,' feels as if it undermines desire. there is little more feminist then a woman being openly desiring. yes, that desire came from patriarchy.... now what? what does she do with this desire? feel shame? push it down? go to therapy? is it HER desire, or not? She's a full person who WANTS... but that wanting is bad? harmful? I am not saying porn or kinky sex is librating, I am saying regardless of where is came from there is a conversation to be had about desire.
i agree that violence against women in sex has absolutely become normalized and that needs to change but I suppose I am curious what 'normalized sex acts' would be acceptable? gentle and loving between a married couple? I don't know if a conversation of what SHOULD be normalized and encouraged is helpful. Maybe instead a conversation about dismantling the violent , expotiative porn industry, and allow things to change from there.
Porn is a problem. perhaps it's better to focus on supporting sex workers and their saftey and working to change, this idea of 'sex work,' and the mentality around porn. Not as some taboo but something that is harming everyone; the people in the work, the people watching the work, and of course our children.
I agree with what you've said, it did seem like the person who wrote the post was saying that having the desire to have violent sex is wrong but what are they meant to do with that desire cause they shouldn't be made to feel bad for having it. Also, I saw the person say in a reply to someone else that without porn then no woman would have these desires but I have never watched porn and I still like it when my bf grabs my neck during our intimate time together so is it bad that I like it or what? Cause this post made me question whether I should like it or not but it's not like I can help liking it I just do
Absolutely, and the reason I took a slight issue with this post is because shame upon women in this context is never the most productive way (which was not the authors goal, but it is where the minds of reflective readers go, as you mentioned). there is nothing wrong with you, you have nothing to be ashamed off and yet it is true that patriarchy and misogyny has played a role in shaping each woman's desire and sexuality. regardless if we watch porn or not, many women and most of the male population does. I believe the idea of "hey your sexuality was shaped by this and that's wrong," with no guidance to what we do with that idea can be harmful, leads to shame and repression. it's not about beating ourselves up. the best thing we should look at what is doing the shaping and work towards dismantling it, i.e the exploitative porn industry, patriarchy and the glorification of violence.
I believe we can both acknowledge that our desires can stem from negative places - trauma, societal conditioning, etc. - and at the same time explore those desires in healthy, courageous, and transformative ways. It's possible to be both discerning and self-compassionate. It's possible to both acknowledge the harm caused by misogyny and violence against women on screen (it's not just porn, TV and film have a disgusting amount of normalization of this as well) and simultaneously allow risk-aware, well-negotiated sex be a place to alchemize, explore, and get to know ourselves.
I could not agree more that our culture is horrifyingly enthusiastic about men hurting and dominating women, and there are so many detrimental assumptions about what "should" go on in heteronormative sex. There is so much to be unpacked both within ourselves and in each relationship, but in my experience, healthy kink is actually a beautiful place to do that work, not something you have to swear off because the world is fucked up.
Autonomy, consent, and deep examination of our unconscious beliefs is vital to creating a sex life that feels authentic and healing. But whether someone is telling you that you have to like being slapped in bed, or that you're not allowed to like being slapped in bed, they're wrong; your body, your sexuality, and your desire are all yours. You get to explore, reclaim, dismantle, alchemize, and sanctify your mind, body, and soul in the way you choose.
I love the article, this is a conversation I had with a friend a while ago. One of the points we really didn't know how to answer was how to solve this problem. How can we stop children from watching? Having these conversations at school or making access difficult in some way? And how can we stop this problem in adults who have already formed their minds in that way? I think it's a really interesting subject.
How do we stop teens who just broke up with their first crush from watching? Thats far more emotionally damaging then even a kid who doesnt care that much or get it, IMO
“All of these acts would be considered assault when not put in a sexual context, so what about it being done during sex makes it different?” You really need to stop treating women like they're little girls incapable of making decisions about their sexual lives. The difference between rape and a fetish is that, in the case of a fetish, the person has the full right to consent to it. We wouldn't be talking about the same thing in sex work, where there's no consent because there's a condition involved (money). Porn acts similarly. But when this desire comes from a genuine attraction to explore and perform the act, there's no reason for morality and prejudice to come into play. Within BDSM and eccentric fetishes, there are many ways to practice consent, such as the famous safe words, among other forms. You people are so concerned about emancipating women that you unwittingly end up wanting to control what they do when no one is watching, what they feel, what they desire, what turns them on, and what they think. Just because you don't understand something doesn't mean it's wrong, and while it's true that young minds are being educated by porn, there’s no reason to treat women as unself-critical beings.
I'm honestly so puzzled by this reply. Were we both using the internet in 2005? I can't tell. Either way, the internet itself wasn't as accessible in 2005 as it is in 2025 so that does not stand to reason.
My cousin showed me my first p0rn video. Then I started watching it but I agree with this so much. I think the kinks are definitely from watching porn for so long and from violent sexual experiences. I hope more people let porn go. It’s unrealistic and kind shouldn’t be watching it at such a young age. I think I was 11 or 12. Now, I don’t watch it at all.
You are describing child sexual abuse, especially if the victim is a testosterone fulled boy who doesnt know anything about women. Its such a slap in the face to men. Its enraging that our most jealousy inducing primal rage fuel is shoved in a boys face as soon as he hits puberty.
Please do any historical research before writing, people have like being slapped, choked, and spat on for as long as we’ve been recording information about sex.
Absolutely loved this piece , more critical inspections of how porn shapes sex and shapes relationships is required to make progress on gender inequality between the sexes .
I actually partly agree with you. Pornography is a big problem because a lot of women don't always give their consent, and when young children see this, it's incredibly problematic and definitely has an effect on you and your own perception of sexuality. However, I must also say that when it comes to practicing BDSM, I don't think it's a problem in private as long as both parties consent. BDSM can be a form of control, freedom, or development for both men and women (or everything in between). Whether you have to film it to show it online... I don't think so. I also think that we need a much more enlightened upbringing and education for young people on the subject of sexuality and pornography, and that already starts with the fact that many parents do not use the biological terms that actually belong to the body.
The dialectical tensions within the sexual roles men and women are compelled to inhabit is an issue that needed to be addressed long ago.
Yet, there is an imbalance. The article, I dare to say deliberately, emphasizes the oppression and discomfort that women experience when subjected to violent sexual expectations, where the erotic encounter becomes performative.
However, the inverse dynamic, the crisis of inadequacy that a man may feel when he does not embody the aggressive role he is expected to fulfill, remains strikingly underexamined.
As you said: "Of course, girls watch porn too, they are learning along with boys what their role in sex is."
And so, the same porn that shapes men also conditions women.
This was a missed opportunity. In many ways, it is precisely this fragile, volatile masculinity that perpetuates the structures of coercion the piece critiques.
To fully grasp the mechanics of power in desire, we must address not only the victim’s discomfort but the perpetrator’s own internal contradictions, the fear of not being ‘man enough’ that fuels the cycle of performativity.
Nonetheless, your article remains a vital and necessary contribution. The stakes are high, and the conversation matters. Thank you for pushing it forward.
In 2024 I and my friend were having debate on dark romance culture and I was always against it but he read them enormously whilst the debate he even came to say that girls like being mistreated I was like wtf am I not a girl and he couldn't go on with the debate but I couldn't find the reason behind why even girls are hyping dark romance I now got the point thanks again ❣️
i both agree and disagree with this take. while i do believe that porn is far too normalized and that it caters solely to the male view in a way that makes women out to be some subservient masochists i do have to argue that some women (such as myself) do enjoy sexually degrading acts purely for enjoyment. i was exposed to porn early on but i was never made to feel as though i had to do anything sexually degrading. i simply curated my tastes through trying things and researching. to say that it’s wrong for women to want degrading things during sex is only shaming the women who feel comfortable enough in their own bodies to do what makes them feel good. it also takes away from the fact that women can like to be the ones who DO the degrading stuff. i knew all about kinks by the time i was 12, i’ll be honest. i was sexually healthy. but even with that knowledge i didn’t jump into anything. i waited for years to lose my virginity, because it was instilled in me that no matter what your personal tastes look like, sex in itself is an intimate ordeal that should take place between two people who at the very least respect eachother. and this is coming from a woman who both likes to be choked and slapped and likes to do the choking and slapping. porn is overly watched and needs to be restricted but parents and guardians need to stop treating sex as sinful and evil and instead of letting their children get taught by porn, they need to make sure they have a healthy understanding of it. sex is normal. and it needs to be normalized or else you get people who think that women are made to like something specific like pain. but women’s tastes, as with anyone, should not be a generalized topic. psychologically everyone is different. and tastes can be forged by not only personal exploration but also past events and trauma. it’s totally unique to the human and that’s what makes it so complex.
I was never exposed to porn & surprise surprise, i do not feel it is empowering and fun to be spat on and choked. Being only exposed to one type of sexual material and gender role throughout your sexual development will OBVIOUSLY change what you enjoy/prefer, you have to believe that people are 100% determined by their genes and 0% by their environment to disagree with that. Would you enjoy bdsm if you werent exposed to kinks at age 12? And even if you did, would you think the risk of death/killing someone is worth an orgasm if it wasn't normalized? I don't think "i was exposed to bdsm and misogynistic porn for years before having any sexual experience, and I believe that it had nothing at all to do with my sexual preferences of extreme kink, because uhh we are all different" is the argument you think it is.
From the surveys ive seen, women in bdsm spaces are significantly more likely to be submissive than dominant. You have to believe that either women are naturally submissive or that porn & society are somehow influencing this.
okay well based on this logic, you would then have to factor in the amount of women who did not partake in the survey. you would also have to take into account the amount of people who keep that side of them completely private. which is a common thing given in generations other than gen z it is not as common to speak on your sexual endeavors. to add on to that, you would also have to ask yourself is this topic can be generalized. for example, many cis white males want to take away things from women simply because some women agree with them or they think that they should be able to determine things for everyone. would banning porn completely not be the same thing? taking away something from everyone just because you deem it bad and unhealthy? and hasn’t it always been said that moderation is key? it sounds like hypocrisy and the arrogant need to control others desires and wants.
This, lover this article! Degrading, and violent expressions of sexual acts is a cultural problem where I am from, and this all stems from the media that so many people are exposed to, and this behavior is normalized, sex is not seen as an expression of intimacy or to strengthen bonds, it is seen as something that is done to women and not with women
I already talked about my opinion on this topic in a post on here, so I’m just going to quickly reiterate some things. I was one of those kids who discovered porn at a young age, and I did question for a long time whether what I enjoyed sexually was a result of my innate desires or of what I was exposed to. I now think that the answer is somewhere in the middle. I do see how harmful porn can be for a young mind, and how predatory and dangerous these online spaces can be, but demonising porn in its entirety is for me more negative than positive. I found a lot of joy in porn and in the exploration of my sexuality, and I believe that exposure to these things also shaped me into the conscious adult that I am now. I suggest instead that we focus on more open mindedness, more open discussion around sex and porn. Kids should be made aware of this world, because the problem is not violent porn itself (which I wholeheartedly believe some people enjoy without being exposed to it prematurely) but the misinformation around it. In healthy kink spaces consent is essential and central, and the ultimate goal is pleasure for all those involved. There should be no genuine hatred or violence. Educating children about this world would in my opinion allow them to explore their sexuality freely while informing them of dangers and restrictions.
This article reminded me of how even Billie Eilish said in an interview, "The first few times I had sex, I was not saying no to things that were not good," "And it's because I thought that that's what I was supposed to be attracted to."
I'm so glad more people are talking about these issues since it all can potentially do a lot of damage
Also just wanna add that some kids don’t even find porn they are put on to it . I remember when I was 7 my brother’s friend at that time I had made me watch porn I had no idea it was that. And when my brother saw what I had been watching he scolded me instead of his friend I was so confused and lost it was crazy for me. I hate that person who did that to me it and I can’t imagine all the people who have had a similar experience to me and then on top of that being sexually assaulted by my dads friend the next year and still not quiet knowing what was happening.
I’m sorry that happened to you! I wanted to add, Solano, that you were victimized 3 times - by your brother’s friend, by your brother, and by your Dad’s friend.
Sometimes men blame everything on the woman when you were not to blame for any of it. And then if you count the porn itself, that’s four times of being blamed for men’s behavior.
And even if we know we are not to blame intellectually, parts of our bodies can still feel at fault because women have been encouraged to feel guilty about all things sexual while men accept no blame. This can be a deeply ingrained guilt.
It took me decades to heal the guilt I felt inside about the way men treated me and the way I let them treat me. I hope you can be kinder to yourself than I was. Please cherish yourself and your precious sexuality. Know that you deserve better. I promise you deserve to feel free of the judgement of those around you.
THIS 👏👏 especially for young men. it is all too easy these days on platforms like Instagram and tiktok to be algorithmically accosted by sexual content. not to mention the twisted ways its used as a coming of age ritual, often times by older friends and relatives. as if turning on a male child to porn is a necessary and normal part of his development, and not grooming.
Porn is Terrorism at this point: the mass effects on the population are so widespread and inescapable: fear, anger, humiliation, regret, embarrassment, shame, insecurity, disillusionment, worried parents, anxious teens, lonely wives; the violence visited on women and girls behind closed doors; the deluge of content it gives pedos to hide behind; incels spitting hate online; sextortion, revenge, the jealousy-inducing content; the public undermining of everything sacred; the addiction of the hopelessly predisposed (autistic boys? Does anyone give a shit what we did to these poor boys?) the lie it puts to the veneer of civilization on display for impressionable minds; the way sex jokes used to be funny and now they're not because the whole vibe changed; the lies it tells women about what men want,and to men about what women want; the horrendous impact on the language; how it empowers the cruel and violent while it frightens the decent and naive; the ability for any fool to shove it my face at the drop of a hat (many cases); the way first dates, first kisses and first crushes are impacted; the relationships that will never happen or were damaged. All in a sexual way at a vulnerable stage in life (young, lonely, just broke up, etc.) It is such a particular kind of hurt to be damaged sexually. I am completely baffled at our "it was inevitable" attitude. I’m stunned. Look at all the regulations in the country, but anything sexual gets a free pass. Violence, cruelty, disrespect: it's bad, unless of course it’s sexual, then it must be assumed to be consensual. Because wE cAnT jUdGe AnYoNeS sEx LiFe. PoRn iS FiNe As LoNg aS nO oNe GeTs HuRt. Uh..ok. I know, I’m so passe and old fashioned. Silly me. Imagine, passing regulations to prevent predators from terrorizing society; somehow that’s inconceivable. There is no porn on Youtube (ta-da!) and it was taken for granted for a thousand years that this type of thing would be unimaginable to foist on young men because we don't need any help treating women like shit. I am mystified at the cavalier “Im on the fence about it” attitude and NEARLY TOTAL MEDIA BLACKOUT (why's that? hmmm) of its connection to misogyny, mass shootings, loneliness, Gisele Picolt, the grooming gangs, teen depression and anxiety, suicide etc. Half of Substack still justifying and minimizing this full time while claiming free speech is impeded if I cant send you a dick pick. WTF is everyone stupid? Yes, everyone is being very stupid. A personal thank you to anyone that bothers to read this and SAYS SOMETHING. Goodnight internet. Darn, I tried not to say it. Sorry KD but it helps me not to freak the fuck out. Have a great night dear imaginary person who cares to demand common sense regulation. Time for political action!
I have to commend you on such a strong stance, even if I don't quite agree with you
If you grew up and saw men in the pre-internet world you'd agree. There are men pre-porn and men post-porn. It is so gross. It has dramatically increased all kinds of crimes, including pedophelia. To suggest it simply shows what men are into without influencing it is insane. It is so filled with spite towards heterosexual men, who respond by seeking out increasingly spiteful degradations of women. And girls! How have we accepted 13 year old boys accessing pornhub? Beyond insane. It is sexual abuse of those boys, and hurt people hurt people. It's a no-brainer to age-gate it, but we couldnt and now here we are.
It is a incredible concept that you can just watch that stuff at any time you want to with no consequences. Pretty much at any age too.
Age verification is the LEAST we could do (even just to enforce laws already on the books about that type of material in physical magazines and videos) and people are even putting up a fuss about that. It's upside-down world.
--your friendly neighborhood radfem
I understand what you are saying and i do agree with it. I do want to just add something.
the part i am a little conflicted on is this idea of:
"The sexual acts that we normalize can not be based on what individual people like, but instead what is best for society. Women do not deserve violence during sex. Hurting them, regardless of if they want it, is wrong."
This seems like such a hard thing to define. The most 'gentle' sexual touch constitutes hurt if it wasn't consented to, so that ‘soft touch,’ is just as violent as a slapping, hitting, choking. All non-consensual, all violent. What defines something as hurtful is the person receiving the action and how they feel about it. The idea you are proposing also dismisses women's desire as something that can't be trusted because they've been socialized under patriarchy. I understand, but my question is where does that leave women's desire? What does 'violent' versus 'nonviolent' sex look like? A little too rough? a little too kinky? Who makes that call? Not the women having that sex?
Anyway, I agree that video pornography in a capitalistic society is always exploitative. Money does not constitute real consent, but this idea of 'regardless if they want is,' feels as if it undermines desire. there is little more feminist then a woman being openly desiring. yes, that desire came from patriarchy.... now what? what does she do with this desire? feel shame? push it down? go to therapy? is it HER desire, or not? She's a full person who WANTS... but that wanting is bad? harmful? I am not saying porn or kinky sex is librating, I am saying regardless of where is came from there is a conversation to be had about desire.
i agree that violence against women in sex has absolutely become normalized and that needs to change but I suppose I am curious what 'normalized sex acts' would be acceptable? gentle and loving between a married couple? I don't know if a conversation of what SHOULD be normalized and encouraged is helpful. Maybe instead a conversation about dismantling the violent , expotiative porn industry, and allow things to change from there.
Porn is a problem. perhaps it's better to focus on supporting sex workers and their saftey and working to change, this idea of 'sex work,' and the mentality around porn. Not as some taboo but something that is harming everyone; the people in the work, the people watching the work, and of course our children.
I agree with what you've said, it did seem like the person who wrote the post was saying that having the desire to have violent sex is wrong but what are they meant to do with that desire cause they shouldn't be made to feel bad for having it. Also, I saw the person say in a reply to someone else that without porn then no woman would have these desires but I have never watched porn and I still like it when my bf grabs my neck during our intimate time together so is it bad that I like it or what? Cause this post made me question whether I should like it or not but it's not like I can help liking it I just do
Absolutely, and the reason I took a slight issue with this post is because shame upon women in this context is never the most productive way (which was not the authors goal, but it is where the minds of reflective readers go, as you mentioned). there is nothing wrong with you, you have nothing to be ashamed off and yet it is true that patriarchy and misogyny has played a role in shaping each woman's desire and sexuality. regardless if we watch porn or not, many women and most of the male population does. I believe the idea of "hey your sexuality was shaped by this and that's wrong," with no guidance to what we do with that idea can be harmful, leads to shame and repression. it's not about beating ourselves up. the best thing we should look at what is doing the shaping and work towards dismantling it, i.e the exploitative porn industry, patriarchy and the glorification of violence.
I believe we can both acknowledge that our desires can stem from negative places - trauma, societal conditioning, etc. - and at the same time explore those desires in healthy, courageous, and transformative ways. It's possible to be both discerning and self-compassionate. It's possible to both acknowledge the harm caused by misogyny and violence against women on screen (it's not just porn, TV and film have a disgusting amount of normalization of this as well) and simultaneously allow risk-aware, well-negotiated sex be a place to alchemize, explore, and get to know ourselves.
I could not agree more that our culture is horrifyingly enthusiastic about men hurting and dominating women, and there are so many detrimental assumptions about what "should" go on in heteronormative sex. There is so much to be unpacked both within ourselves and in each relationship, but in my experience, healthy kink is actually a beautiful place to do that work, not something you have to swear off because the world is fucked up.
Autonomy, consent, and deep examination of our unconscious beliefs is vital to creating a sex life that feels authentic and healing. But whether someone is telling you that you have to like being slapped in bed, or that you're not allowed to like being slapped in bed, they're wrong; your body, your sexuality, and your desire are all yours. You get to explore, reclaim, dismantle, alchemize, and sanctify your mind, body, and soul in the way you choose.
Everything you said 100%
I love the article, this is a conversation I had with a friend a while ago. One of the points we really didn't know how to answer was how to solve this problem. How can we stop children from watching? Having these conversations at school or making access difficult in some way? And how can we stop this problem in adults who have already formed their minds in that way? I think it's a really interesting subject.
This is why I love Substack. No where else on my phone will I find people discussing something like this so candidly
How do we stop teens who just broke up with their first crush from watching? Thats far more emotionally damaging then even a kid who doesnt care that much or get it, IMO
“All of these acts would be considered assault when not put in a sexual context, so what about it being done during sex makes it different?” You really need to stop treating women like they're little girls incapable of making decisions about their sexual lives. The difference between rape and a fetish is that, in the case of a fetish, the person has the full right to consent to it. We wouldn't be talking about the same thing in sex work, where there's no consent because there's a condition involved (money). Porn acts similarly. But when this desire comes from a genuine attraction to explore and perform the act, there's no reason for morality and prejudice to come into play. Within BDSM and eccentric fetishes, there are many ways to practice consent, such as the famous safe words, among other forms. You people are so concerned about emancipating women that you unwittingly end up wanting to control what they do when no one is watching, what they feel, what they desire, what turns them on, and what they think. Just because you don't understand something doesn't mean it's wrong, and while it's true that young minds are being educated by porn, there’s no reason to treat women as unself-critical beings.
this is a well-worded refute to the piece.
Thank you for this article. It highly disturbs me – the ways we are framing up sex for our kids. This article nailed it.
Where has everyone been for 20 years on this?
Twenty years ago porn containing violence was niche and not what children would come across as easily as now...
20 years ago was 2005. No it wasn’t. And it was as accessible as it is today.
I'm honestly so puzzled by this reply. Were we both using the internet in 2005? I can't tell. Either way, the internet itself wasn't as accessible in 2005 as it is in 2025 so that does not stand to reason.
My cousin showed me my first p0rn video. Then I started watching it but I agree with this so much. I think the kinks are definitely from watching porn for so long and from violent sexual experiences. I hope more people let porn go. It’s unrealistic and kind shouldn’t be watching it at such a young age. I think I was 11 or 12. Now, I don’t watch it at all.
You are describing child sexual abuse, especially if the victim is a testosterone fulled boy who doesnt know anything about women. Its such a slap in the face to men. Its enraging that our most jealousy inducing primal rage fuel is shoved in a boys face as soon as he hits puberty.
It was actually a girl. Smh but I'm not sure who showed her at the time.
Please do any historical research before writing, people have like being slapped, choked, and spat on for as long as we’ve been recording information about sex.
Absolutely loved this piece , more critical inspections of how porn shapes sex and shapes relationships is required to make progress on gender inequality between the sexes .
I actually partly agree with you. Pornography is a big problem because a lot of women don't always give their consent, and when young children see this, it's incredibly problematic and definitely has an effect on you and your own perception of sexuality. However, I must also say that when it comes to practicing BDSM, I don't think it's a problem in private as long as both parties consent. BDSM can be a form of control, freedom, or development for both men and women (or everything in between). Whether you have to film it to show it online... I don't think so. I also think that we need a much more enlightened upbringing and education for young people on the subject of sexuality and pornography, and that already starts with the fact that many parents do not use the biological terms that actually belong to the body.
Great piece.
The dialectical tensions within the sexual roles men and women are compelled to inhabit is an issue that needed to be addressed long ago.
Yet, there is an imbalance. The article, I dare to say deliberately, emphasizes the oppression and discomfort that women experience when subjected to violent sexual expectations, where the erotic encounter becomes performative.
However, the inverse dynamic, the crisis of inadequacy that a man may feel when he does not embody the aggressive role he is expected to fulfill, remains strikingly underexamined.
As you said: "Of course, girls watch porn too, they are learning along with boys what their role in sex is."
And so, the same porn that shapes men also conditions women.
This was a missed opportunity. In many ways, it is precisely this fragile, volatile masculinity that perpetuates the structures of coercion the piece critiques.
To fully grasp the mechanics of power in desire, we must address not only the victim’s discomfort but the perpetrator’s own internal contradictions, the fear of not being ‘man enough’ that fuels the cycle of performativity.
Nonetheless, your article remains a vital and necessary contribution. The stakes are high, and the conversation matters. Thank you for pushing it forward.
This is not by any means a hate comment.
Love you for it.💕
In 2024 I and my friend were having debate on dark romance culture and I was always against it but he read them enormously whilst the debate he even came to say that girls like being mistreated I was like wtf am I not a girl and he couldn't go on with the debate but I couldn't find the reason behind why even girls are hyping dark romance I now got the point thanks again ❣️
i both agree and disagree with this take. while i do believe that porn is far too normalized and that it caters solely to the male view in a way that makes women out to be some subservient masochists i do have to argue that some women (such as myself) do enjoy sexually degrading acts purely for enjoyment. i was exposed to porn early on but i was never made to feel as though i had to do anything sexually degrading. i simply curated my tastes through trying things and researching. to say that it’s wrong for women to want degrading things during sex is only shaming the women who feel comfortable enough in their own bodies to do what makes them feel good. it also takes away from the fact that women can like to be the ones who DO the degrading stuff. i knew all about kinks by the time i was 12, i’ll be honest. i was sexually healthy. but even with that knowledge i didn’t jump into anything. i waited for years to lose my virginity, because it was instilled in me that no matter what your personal tastes look like, sex in itself is an intimate ordeal that should take place between two people who at the very least respect eachother. and this is coming from a woman who both likes to be choked and slapped and likes to do the choking and slapping. porn is overly watched and needs to be restricted but parents and guardians need to stop treating sex as sinful and evil and instead of letting their children get taught by porn, they need to make sure they have a healthy understanding of it. sex is normal. and it needs to be normalized or else you get people who think that women are made to like something specific like pain. but women’s tastes, as with anyone, should not be a generalized topic. psychologically everyone is different. and tastes can be forged by not only personal exploration but also past events and trauma. it’s totally unique to the human and that’s what makes it so complex.
I was never exposed to porn & surprise surprise, i do not feel it is empowering and fun to be spat on and choked. Being only exposed to one type of sexual material and gender role throughout your sexual development will OBVIOUSLY change what you enjoy/prefer, you have to believe that people are 100% determined by their genes and 0% by their environment to disagree with that. Would you enjoy bdsm if you werent exposed to kinks at age 12? And even if you did, would you think the risk of death/killing someone is worth an orgasm if it wasn't normalized? I don't think "i was exposed to bdsm and misogynistic porn for years before having any sexual experience, and I believe that it had nothing at all to do with my sexual preferences of extreme kink, because uhh we are all different" is the argument you think it is.
From the surveys ive seen, women in bdsm spaces are significantly more likely to be submissive than dominant. You have to believe that either women are naturally submissive or that porn & society are somehow influencing this.
okay well based on this logic, you would then have to factor in the amount of women who did not partake in the survey. you would also have to take into account the amount of people who keep that side of them completely private. which is a common thing given in generations other than gen z it is not as common to speak on your sexual endeavors. to add on to that, you would also have to ask yourself is this topic can be generalized. for example, many cis white males want to take away things from women simply because some women agree with them or they think that they should be able to determine things for everyone. would banning porn completely not be the same thing? taking away something from everyone just because you deem it bad and unhealthy? and hasn’t it always been said that moderation is key? it sounds like hypocrisy and the arrogant need to control others desires and wants.
This, lover this article! Degrading, and violent expressions of sexual acts is a cultural problem where I am from, and this all stems from the media that so many people are exposed to, and this behavior is normalized, sex is not seen as an expression of intimacy or to strengthen bonds, it is seen as something that is done to women and not with women
I already talked about my opinion on this topic in a post on here, so I’m just going to quickly reiterate some things. I was one of those kids who discovered porn at a young age, and I did question for a long time whether what I enjoyed sexually was a result of my innate desires or of what I was exposed to. I now think that the answer is somewhere in the middle. I do see how harmful porn can be for a young mind, and how predatory and dangerous these online spaces can be, but demonising porn in its entirety is for me more negative than positive. I found a lot of joy in porn and in the exploration of my sexuality, and I believe that exposure to these things also shaped me into the conscious adult that I am now. I suggest instead that we focus on more open mindedness, more open discussion around sex and porn. Kids should be made aware of this world, because the problem is not violent porn itself (which I wholeheartedly believe some people enjoy without being exposed to it prematurely) but the misinformation around it. In healthy kink spaces consent is essential and central, and the ultimate goal is pleasure for all those involved. There should be no genuine hatred or violence. Educating children about this world would in my opinion allow them to explore their sexuality freely while informing them of dangers and restrictions.
This article reminded me of how even Billie Eilish said in an interview, "The first few times I had sex, I was not saying no to things that were not good," "And it's because I thought that that's what I was supposed to be attracted to."
I'm so glad more people are talking about these issues since it all can potentially do a lot of damage