There is no such thing as a "homewrecker"

How the Alabama Barker and Danielle Bregoli beef proves that.

There seems to be nothing most women in relationships fear more than the idea that there might be “another woman.” Women will often turn into unpaid self-taught detectives, examining every inch of their partner's home, car and clothing searching for evidence of infidelity. Time and time again I’ve seen women zoom in on stray eyelashes or earrings in their boyfriend's work coat pocket and begin to spiral. 

Cheating is an understandable fear to have, it is an unimaginably disrespectful thing to do to someone who otherwise loves you. Few people can pour themselves physically and emotionally into a man then watch all that be dismissed for another woman and not go a tad bit feral. 

Often I see women respond to cheating by targeting the women they were cheated on with. The most public example of this being 21-year-old rapper Danielle Bregoli making a diss track toward her ex-friend, 19-year-old Alabama Barker, for allegedly sleeping with Danielles baby’s father, 27-year-old Le Vaughn. 

Danielle has received widespread support and encouragement for her song “Ms. Whitman” where she insults Alabama's sexual history, alleged pregnancy and family drama. The underlying assumption seems to be that Danielle is completely justified in her attack on Alabama because of how Alabama abandoned their friendship by sleeping with her boyfriend. 

Through all of the social media posts, diss tracks and subliminal messages, I couldn’t help but feel like the hatred towards Alabama was entirely misdirected. 

Danielle gave birth to her first child last year. Shortly after, she came forward saying she had cancer and was undergoing treatment. At that time it was also found out that Danielle's boyfriend Le Vaughn was physically abusive. Danielle posted pictures of her bruises as well as security camera footage of Le Vaughn shoving and kicking her.

It takes an average of 7 attempts at leaving for an abuse victim to exit a relationship. I hold no judgment for Danielle for staying with Le Vaughn. All I hope for her is that she finds a way to safety for herself and her baby soon. A victim protecting an abuser's behavior is common. Danielle not putting the blame on Le Vaughn was to be expected, what I couldn't understand was how the public knows Danielle is the victim of Le Vaughns mistreatment yet still supports her in the dogpilling of Alabama.  

The phenomenon is not rare. While it’s commonplace for women to attack the other woman instead of the man who cheated on them, it does not make the reaction fair. 

Alabama Barker is not Danielle Bregoli's enemy, yet the opposite seems to be accepted as fact. People tend to think like that because women are often blamed for men’s behavior. We’re taught that whether a man loves you and treats you well is entirely up to your good behavior as a woman. 

Patriarchy shifts the blame of mens actions from men into women so that women spend their whole lives desperately trying to achieve male approval. They internalize their treatment as a reflection of their own actions and in doing so, men get away unscathed. 

When a woman gets cheated on, somewhere deep within her psyche is the question, what did I do wrong? In all of this it’s assumed that men have no control over their own behavior. Patriarchy’s “boys will be boys” narrative works to strengthen the idea that men are helpless to their sexual urges. It’s women's job to control their behavior. That’s how you wind up with women fighting the woman their man cheats on them with. The understanding being men have no control over their urges so if you made yourself available to him then it’s your fault that he had sex with you. 

This is, of course, not true. Men have complete control over their actions. No matter how obvious it is, I think internalizing this understanding is too much for most women to bear. If you understand that a man is, in fact, in control over who he has sex with then you have to come to terms with the fact that he cheated on you solely because he wanted to. 

When you understand men are fully to blame for their actions then the concept of a homewrecker ceases to exist. Already she wouldn't be a thing if men chose not to cheat. There is no need to blame the other woman because the only reason anything happened between her and a taken man is because the man wanted something to happen.  

When I talked about this on TikTok I had a lot of people saying that it’s about respect. You shouldn't get with a taken man, point blank period. They are correct however we can not act like their sins are the same. Women who pursue taken men definitely have a self-esteem issue they have to address hopefully with a licensed professional. However, are they the ones that abandoned the original woman in the relationship? No, the cheating man did. Remember, men only cheat if they want to. 

Saying things like this as a woman feels so scandalous because we are the ones tasked with controlling male behavior. We are blamed when they mess us, yet funnily enough we get no credit when they’re good. It’s uncomfortable but it’s the truth, women don’t control men. Men will do as they please. It may sound hard to hear but the silver lining is that we control ourselves as well. Leaving a man not treating you well is always possible and available and there is nothing embarrassing about it. Let’s deconstruct the “homewrecker” and finally put the responsibility of mens actions back in their hands.