Beauty is Useless

I have come to understand beauty to be an unnecessary thing. Why long for something that won’t finish my poems? Won’t love my sister? Won’t light candles before I shower? 

I used to paint beauty on me, I saw it made a difference in how I was treated. There were some pleasantries I would receive: men would like me, women would be jealous of me. What glorious wins! 

I understand that this world tries to render me so small and hollow that the promise of these treatments would be enough for me to continue contorting my body into something more desirable–but it’s not. 

It used to be. I used to poison myself until I was something lovable. I emptied my body, both of food and soul. I became a hollow soulless person, I’d look into my eyes and see a black abyss. I was beautiful, and I was a ghost. 

Choosing to have light within me frustrates many. Choosings to relinquish the pursuit of beauty is to go against all that’s been ingrained in me. Upon birth, every girl is entered into a competition: become the most beautiful woman to ever live, then never die. For a millisecond I held the medal of that competition in my hand, and I turned it in. 

Nothing makes you more of a woman than committing yourself to an endless pursuit of beauty. It is, of course, believed that women have nothing better to do. You become marked as female then sequestered to a life of infinite numbing and self-hate. 

Unfortunately, I have found myself with much to do. I’ve built a life outside of the camp of beauty. One with music and dancing and hand-holding. I look at all I have now that I no longer long for pretty and I finally see the pure uselessness of my once beloved pursuit. 

I encourage you to be the worst thing a girl can be, ugly. Watch the way the world glosses over you. Find how everyone gawks when you leave the competition. But see what you find: the time to construct a soul within yourself. You will feel your heart beating in your chest and realize you’ve become the scariest thing a girl can be, whole.